Joel emailed his Xmas list to my family this year. And I present it, here, for your edification:
To: The Ryans
Re: My list
When I was young I couldn't wait for the JCPenny Catalog to come out. I would pore over everything in the catalog and make lists upon lists. There was the wish list. Which, of course, were items that were too expensive and/or I knew my parents would say were just ridiculous, i.e. an actual 4-wheel-drive jungle buggy. It was great; it had nubby tires, rollbar, etc. Which is probably why my mom didn't like it, ghast my son would actually roll onto his head with this thing (Donna maybe didn't understand the concept of the "rollbar." Just kidding).
The A list. This was a list where I couldn't help but get excited that I would get everything, but knowing full well I would (maybe) get 1 item. Usually a GI Joe Guy or a flotilla of GI Joe Vehicles. Maybe that's why I don't know if my name is Joe or Joel. Meg can verify. Also my recollection of serving in any number of uniformed commissions around the world. I'll call it childhood flashbacks. Or I'm just crazy.
The B list. Items I needed, truly appreciated, and wanted. I knew a majority of gifts would come from this list so I tried mixing it up. Socks, underwear, shirts, a Scooby Doo lunch box, switchblade comb, BB gun, Star Wars posters, and a bubble gum dispenser. Is it irony or a potato chip that I actually got a BB gun with which I shot my sister Jamie in the butt and shot up the walls in the basement, cleverly removing pictures from the walls and then shooting where the pictures had been, before returning the pictures to their original location. Only to get busted when we moved out of the house and removed the pictures. I probably would have been better off getting the 4-wheel-drive jungle buggy with the nubby tires and the roll bar. Huh Ma?!?
So with that being said, here is my list:
- Dress Shirt size XL 17-17 1/2 neck 34-35 length sleeves. Hey Jean I wrote Sleeve... Ew...
- Underwear. You may think Ellen's birthday present addition was a joke but it's reality. (Clarifying note: Joel wrapped my sister Ellen's birthday present in a (washed) pair of extremely well-worn hunter-green boxer-briefs. You wish I was kidding.)
- Dress Socks. I'm good on sport socks this year. Black, Beige, designs are welcome as well.
- Electricity tester. I lost mine for some reason. It just lights up if there's electric current to the wire. They're pretty cheap.
- Sport shorts. Knee length, solid manly colors yet slimming and smooth.
- Sliding shorts. Mine have a huge hole in the crotch. I really do give my unmentionables a workout I tells ya. Or Maybe it's...Unmentionable??
Hey was I supposed to comment after every item?? I'll stop.
- Caribou Coffee GC
- Long sleeve white or gray undershirts. For softball, or outside insidewear. Fine if it's a little tight I gotta show the guns off.
Sorry about the comments, I forgot.
- Bologna.. er no. Cologne, I'm out.
And a partridge in a pear tree....Love ya all.
Fat Daddy JG